Valentine’s Day Blues

Valentine’s Day Blues

Valentine’s day is one of my least favorite days of the year. As someone with a long history of sometimes complicated, sometimes abusive relationship situations, I can’t recall a February 14th that didn’t break my heart.

This year I’ve been in recovery from codependency for almost 2 months. This means I’ve been attending weekly Codependents Anonymous meetings, bi-weekly therapy sessions, along with inhaling everything Melody Beatty has ever written. Also, I’ve been out of my former relationship for a month and some now. Just to be absolutely clear I have no plans to discuss my recent relationships publicly, and anything said here refers only to myself. The fact remains that those relationships are over and it’s a big part of the current puzzle of my life.

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Wind Chill

Wind Chill

I stand in front of a snowy whirlwind.

On top of the city.

The moon is full, as full as I’ve ever seen. The wind is howling and I can imagine it is your breath. Maybe if I step into the whirlwind I will hear your voice, feel your arms in a hug.

I step in and feel only cold.

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On Resilience

On Resilience

Image by Amelia Meman. Photo by Shanti Flagg. Inspiration to spend $25 on mermaid tail from Libby B.

I find writing to be one of the only things that really truly helps when the days get really dark. It’s been a minute since I updated here but life tends to get in the way.

What do I even want to write about? Should I write about the death of my sibling? The kind of gaping hole it has left in my & my family’s lives? Should I write about my worsening health? My experience being prescribed a very wrong psych medication? My choice to stop working to try to get better? My tumultuous & beautiful poly relationships? My decision to finally come face-to-face with my extensive histories of trauma? How hard it is to ask for help?

How do I share my life with you – whoever you are –  when there’s simply too much pain to put in to words? Perhaps it would help me, and maybe you, to talk about resilience.

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On Smoking or “I’m So Sorry Mom.”

On Smoking or “I’m So Sorry Mom.”

TW: smoking, cigarettes, drug and alcohol use, heroin, overdose

I started smoking cigarettes when I was 16. I smoked until I was 19. I quit in 2013 after I had a really bad case of the flu. I was in bed for 4 days and when I finally woke up I realized I had beaten all of the physical craving symptoms. For years afterwards I said that quitting smoking was both the hardest and the coolest thing I’d ever done.

I started smoking again about a month (or two?) ago.

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On Trigger Warnings

On Trigger Warnings

TW: mentions of rape, sexual violence, ptsd, police brutality.

I love trigger warnings. This is a controversial topic and I have trouble understanding why.

For those who don’t know, a trigger warning is “a statement at the start of a piece of writing, video, etc., alerting the reader or viewer to the fact that it contains potentially distressing material (often used to introduce a description of such content).”

But a quick search on urban dictionary has some pretty nasty things to say about people that need trigger warnings. Like…

  • Its purpose is to warn weak minded people who are easily offended that they might find what is being posted offensive in some way due to its content, causing them to overreact or otherwise start acting like a dipshit. Popular on reddit SRS or other places that social justice warriors like to hang out.
  • Trigger Warning is a disclaimer for [redacted cuz it’s too offensive] emotionally unstable people who cannot read certain words without having a self diagnosed ‘panic attack’ due to their self-diagnosed PTSD.

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On Freedom

On Freedom

When I was in college at UMBC one of my favorite professors was Dr. Kate Drabinski. In my first course with her, Studies in Feminist Activism, one of our term paper options was to write about “freedom.” While reviewing the list of final topics Dr. Kate said , “and freedom, because why not?”

I was in that class in 2013. Nearly 4 years later as I write this in 2017 I still find her questioning of that topic deeply meaningful as I think through my life, my politics, and especially the current political situation.

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