Wind Chill

Wind Chill

I stand in front of a snowy whirlwind.

On top of the city.

The moon is full, as full as I’ve ever seen. The wind is howling and I can imagine it is your breath. Maybe if I step into the whirlwind I will hear your voice, feel your arms in a hug.

I step in and feel only cold.

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On Resilience

On Resilience

Image by Amelia Meman. Photo by Shanti Flagg. Inspiration to spend $25 on mermaid tail from Libby B.

I find writing to be one of the only things that really truly helps when the days get really dark. It’s been a minute since I updated here but life tends to get in the way.

What do I even want to write about? Should I write about the death of my sibling? The kind of gaping hole it has left in my & my family’s lives? Should I write about my worsening health? My experience being prescribed a very wrong psych medication? My choice to stop working to try to get better? My tumultuous & beautiful poly relationships? My decision to finally come face-to-face with my extensive histories of trauma? How hard it is to ask for help?

How do I share my life with you – whoever you are –  when there’s simply too much pain to put in to words? Perhaps it would help me, and maybe you, to talk about resilience.

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On Freedom

On Freedom

When I was in college at UMBC one of my favorite professors was Dr. Kate Drabinski. In my first course with her, Studies in Feminist Activism, one of our term paper options was to write about “freedom.” While reviewing the list of final topics Dr. Kate said , “and freedom, because why not?”

I was in that class in 2013. Nearly 4 years later as I write this in 2017 I still find her questioning of that topic deeply meaningful as I think through my life, my politics, and especially the current political situation.

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A Toast

A Toast

This past Saturday my best friends, Reese and Chelsea got married. In the sad and hard times we find ourselves in, Saturday night will be a flame and a light in my heart and in my mind. I saw a room full of people bless a love and a relationship. I saw a room full of people uplift themselves and each others. In dark times, those moments of joy are what we live for. Those moments are why we keep living, they are what we are fighting for.

What follows is the toast I gave to two of my favorite people in the world….

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If You’re Reading This I’m Too Gay

If You’re Reading This I’m Too Gay

TW: sexual and emotional abuse mention

I’ve always known the way I felt about girls was different from a lot of people. When I was in the 9th grade I read a book, Keeping You a Secret by Julie Ann Peters. It gave me words for what I felt, I was a lesbian. I even came out to my Mom. But for another decade I only dated men. I can’t really answer this question to myself satisfactorily. I try not to let it, but it haunts me. How many less times would I have been assaulted? How many less horrifying and terrible emotional and sexual encounters could I have avoided?

Why didn’t date women? I guess on the one hand I didn’t think I was cool or good enough. I’d never dated women so I didn’t know where to start. It didn’t help that being gay was not something you did in Fallston, Maryland, where I grew up. The very few out classmates I had suffered extreme harassment, alienation, and abuse. Maybe I was too scared to subject myself to that.

On top of that I was socialized to date men. Society showed me one way to live and one way to love, from every TV show I watched to the adults I was surrounded with to the toys I played with. We call this compulsory heterosexuality. I was socialized to prioritize the needs of men over literally everything else. Theoretically I can understand how this played out in my life – choosing to accept the advances of men, choosing to commit my time, energy and resources to them, etc.

But theory only takes you so far in life. It certainly doesn’t take you very far in understanding your own life.

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On Grief

On Grief

TW: Death, grief, suicide mention.

I have found out that two people passed away while watching Winnie the Pooh.

I remember exactly when during the movie the news came both times. I remember the first time, in 2014, how the movie played in the background while I stared into my ex-partner’s eyes. I will never know whose face was whiter, or who cried first. All I know is that Pooh did get his honey, but I still feel pretty bad for the bees.

In 2015 I remember I was sleeping on the floor in my apartment in Lancaster. My father texted me to tell me my grandfather was dead. It is remarkable how quickly your body can go completely numb.

I don’t watch Winnie the Pooh anymore. I know where the naloxone is in my house. I am always the DD. I send people texts before I call so they know everyone is still alive. I keep a list of suicide hotline numbers saved in my bookmarks. I move through the world expecting death. What I don’t understand is how anyone else doesn’t. 

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A brief reflection.

A brief reflection.

I am someone that takes a long time for reflection. I cannot think things through without time and space. I, like I’m sure you all are, am wading through think-pieces and daily articles about the election and the current state of our country. I have nothing to add to that conversation yet. I’m thinking and I’m acting and I’m preparing, but I don’t have anything to write about it. Maybe soon. Today I want to take a minute to reflect on a beautiful hike I had with my friends recently, and to offer you some affirmations for these hard days.

A few weekends ago we did our Hike for Healing. It was cathartic, it was wonderful, it was just what I didn’t know I needed. If you have the time and are able, check out soldiers delight natural environmental area, you will love it. Here are some thoughts I had today thinking about the hike and my life at the same time.

If you were sitting here with me and we were talking about how be okay, this is what I would say to you.

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